International Men’s Day: Rethinking Masculinity
When you go to an event under the banner of International Men’s Day (IMD), inevitably the conversations are going to always highlight the challenges i.e. suicide rates, NEET, boys being behind girls at every stage of education, and toxic masculinity.
In summary, we love talking about, and fixating on the problems.
And to be honest, with this event I went to hosted by Future Men, we couldn’t escape that. But what was more eye opening, was that the insights, reflections and strategies cut across every identity – gender, race, sexuality, age, religion, et al., And if anything became clear throughout the morning, it was that ‘the future of masculinity isn’t about competition or which cause is more important, but it’s about connection’.
Any characteristic flourishing doesn’t mean that any other has to flounder, and the idea that one group must “win” or “come out on top” at the expense of another is not only outdated, but it’s actively harmful.
Redefining Masculinity and Expanding It
For men under 45, the most likely way we’ll die is choosing not to live. Just let that sit with you for a couple of seconds.
Not violence. Not illness. But a disconnection, that whether internal or external, starts with a pain that has nowhere to go.
Culturally, we’ve built a model and system where men hold their breath until something breaks, where saying “I’m fine” not only becomes the norm, but also a form of distance where we’re left asking ourselves the question: ‘For the hundreds and thousands of LinkedIn and Instagram followers, work friends, family and colleagues, who and how many people really know us’…
And then for black men, it’s even more layered as cultural narratives say that we’re supposed to behave a certain way = strong, unshakeable and unbothered. But these narratives are not heritage; they are survival mechanisms that once upon a time were necessary, but are now limiting.
The irony of all this, is that the newfound habits that men are learning i.e. emotional literacy, boundaries and expression, have all secretly come from women’s spaces; from the podcasts, communities, and conversations we weren’t traditionally and understandably invited to, and have watched from afar.
The crossroads we’re now at when it comes to the physical and mental health faced by men and boys has not gone unnoticed, as today the government unveiled England’s first ever Men’s Health Strategy. The projects will break down barriers that men face in seeking support, such as the stigma associated with seeking help and a lack of awareness of what is available and how to access it. While the problems won’t be solved overnight, it’s s crucial first step in recognising what communities have known for years: ‘If we deal with the problems young boys and men have, we deal the problems young boys and men create’.
Standing Tall Under Pressure - The Real Mechanics of Burnout
Trauma, anxiety, addition, and burnout are typical issues that men are confronted with, but often lack the grounded and practical approaches to deal with and/or even acknowledge. We can all read books reciting the surface-level “stress management tips”, but what are the deeper mechanics behind it? Why are there effects? And how does it play out day-to-day?
It’s not something I’d ever really thought about or considered until Stephen Hall’s workshop started unpacking burnout in a way that was uncomfortably accurate. As he laid out his five stages of burnout, what struck me was how familiar they all felt:
Running Hot - I’m fine but busy. I was wired at night with tension and tightness in shoulders. I was saying yes and retraining my body to say that this was normal.
Fraying at the Edges - This is where the headaches and irritability crept up on me, because of my need to push harder. Compounded by finding negative ways to comfort myself.
Autopilot - The warning lights were on and I could see the danger, but I either didn’t know what to do about it or preferred to push through and manage the exhaustion. Functionally, I was ok, but inside I was empty.
Collapse - Now, the symptoms have gone into overload, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I withdrew, I lost that sense of purpose, and I questioned myself worth.
Rinse & Repeat - Because ultimately, as is the British way, you dust yourself off and go again.
In everything he described, the biggest thing I took away was that throughout this cycle, I was retraining my body to believe that these states were normal and I was mistaking endurance for resilience.
But life isn’t an endurance test; it’s a long-term endurance plan.
It was something that Stephen said, that I hadn’t really thought about. But if you think about the body and nervous system, it’s not interested in productivity metrics. It’s asking the most important question: Am I safe? And then making the necessary adjustments to tell us where and when we are breaking down.
Everyday, we manage time in our five life pillars - work, family, friendships, health and passions. We separate the mind from the body, as if they operate on different contracts when in actual fact, they are more connected than ever. Ultimately, it about placement of energy and the challenge to balance it across the pillars, before that disconnection becomes a liability.
Understanding The Manosphere - Talking With Boys, Not About Them
Will Adolphy’s session shared insights from this M-Path workshops and networks as the conversation moved from men to boys and what we’ve been getting wrong. Not as uncomfortable as the previous workshop, but still concerning, as I began to think about my two sons (4) and (2), what challenges they would face, and who their future role models would be.
The thing to acknowledge here is that boys face pressure from both side - the pressure to be a good man and the pressure to be a real man. They feel the pressure, but we never really engage with what that pressure is or why, because we’ve focused too much on the problem around what boys today are and what teenage boys think rather than talking to them to understand why. We talk about them, more than we talk to them.
But the truth is that boys today are navigating the same themes and challenges as adults:
Belonging
Body Image
Purpose
Pressure
The difference however is that 70% of what they see is algorithmically chosen for them. So what do we as adults do? We try to fix it, but that doesn’t build trust. Having the conversations, being a role model, being present and showing what good looks like are the real difference makers. Having been a mentor myself for a few years now, I’ve come to realise that young people can sense authenticity instantly, because they read your energy before your words. It’s actually a skill that they are far better at and have more intuition with, than most adults.
As the workshop drew to a close, among the reminders that (1) whether young or old, self-respect is rarely framed positively towards boys and (2) asking yourself a simple question around whether you’re showing up in a way that invites openness, was the most powerful insight: (3) Problems impacting young people are simply younger versions of the problems impacting us.
We’re not separate.
We’re mirrors.
And the task isn’t to lecture boys into better behaviour, but instead it’s to model the kind of emotional honesty we want them to inherit.
So Where Does That Leave Us?
With so much to ponder and reflect on.
This wasn’t space to wage gender wars. Nor was it space to assign blame.
It a space where a Firefighter took the stage and acknowledged that it was easier for him to run into burning building than to sit down and have a conversation about the things that were really troubling him. It was space where we question the definition of what it means to be successful. Historically, this has been the nice car, the big house, and the perfect family, but the construct of families and what success looks like is now changing, daily. It was a space where a young boy shared his story creatively through the art of poetry to convey the generational and cultural challenges of growing into a man in today’s society. And, it was a space where men felt confident enough to say they were doing they best they could, but knew they could do better.
Ultimately, I left the event with more questions than answers, but maybe that’s the point.
So…thank you to Future Men for something different. Something with creativity. Something thought provoking. And something that brought pure stripped back conversations to the forefront.
